


too much pain for too little gain

by PumpkinSpicedLattes



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rated teen for swearing, Yeah i really have no clue how to tag 'a character has some strange nightmare/dream thing, but it's all fine and dandy. Or is it?', medicine mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28057470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PumpkinSpicedLattes/pseuds/PumpkinSpicedLattes
Summary: Virgil Sanders is just like any other sleep deprived college student.Except one thing.The lack of a shadow doesn't really help with the whole 'Leave me alone' aesthetic, so he'll have to find some way to, well, find it....and maybe meet some other people along the way.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. You said, you recall about seven years ago now

**Author's Note:**

> Ayo!  
> So I've had this idea in my head for quiet some time now, and now if finally got around to writing it!
> 
> This is inspired by the prompt:
> 
> ' Every child is born without a shadow, and has one assigned to them at birth. You were never assigned your shadow. '
> 
> by ' @write-it-motherfuckers ' on tumblr!
> 
> Hopefully I'll manage to keep some consistent upload schedule for this, I plan on updating this hopefully every week or two, but it's subject to change!
> 
> Anyway! I hope you enjoy reading this fic!
> 
> Work and chapter title are from 'Labour of love' by Hue and cry!
> 
> NOTE: THERE IS A MENTION OF MEDICINE TAKEN FOR A HEADACHE (ASPIRIN) SO BE WARY OF THAT

Virgil Sanders was a very,  _ very _ tired college student, who spent the majority of his time sitting incorrectly on his couch, and scrolling through tumblr while face down on his bed.

You'd consider him just like any other sleep deprived student, wouldn't you?

But here's the thing; see the black masses that normally trailed behind people, the ones that were basically a silhouette of the person?

Yeah, you guessed right; he doesn't have one.

I didn't bother him  _ too _ much per say, but the stares he gets from the occasional passersby ramp up his anxiety  _ a lot...so something had to be done about it. _

Sometimes he'd randomly recall remnants of some memory, but everytime he tried to explore it more, it disappeared under a clouded grey mist.

_...Probably nothing. _

Deciding to do  _ something  _ productive, instead of laying face down on his bed while the sweet voice of Gerard way blasted through his tiny 4th floor apartment, he sat up out of bed.

... _ Only to promptly fall back again, narrowly missing the headboard by 2 square inches. _

After around 5 attempts at getting up, he had finally succeeded, so here he was, sliding down the stairs like a  _ liquid _ ; hoping  _ to god _ he wouldn't scratch his face on the nails that lined the stair steps in the most unlikely places.

After finally reaching the landing in his liquid form,  _ just crossing his mind that 'This was something his cat did?'  _ His paths crossed with the aforementioned furball.

Now, Willow was, plainly put,  _ a little shit. _ Yes, this little ball of charcoal black fur, was unforgiving to any phone connected to any cable;  _ that phone  _ **_would not_ ** _ be connected to  _ **_anything_ ** _ in the next 20 seconds. _

But as much as Willow was  _ slightly  _ annoying  _ sometimes,  _ she was honestly  _ pretty adorable. _ Eyes that shone with a deep rich blue, like a sea at midnight, puffed up fur that made her look so much like a pillow, Virgil had actually almost sat on her once.

Blinking her blue eyes innocently at Virgil, she sauntered off into another room,  _ seemingly deciding not to greet him for some reason? Rude. _

After standing up,  _ damn his knees were unforgiving today, weren't they? _ , and feeling the satisfying  _ 'Crack' _ of his joints, he made his way towards the kitchen.

Deciding that just a granola bar for the 5th time this week would be absolutely atrocious for his health, he grabbed an oddly shaped apple from the fruit bowl.

Now, what had happened next, he wasn't too sure, _he just wanted_ _a damn apple for god's sake_ , all that he knew was that there _was_ a brief sharp pain _straight_ beside his right eye, there was muffled speaking, and some very vague silhouettes, he didn't have time to dwell on the thought, however, because a piercing headache was now passing through his head, he held onto the countertop in a death grip.

Letting out a hiss of pain, he cracked his right eye open a bit, hoping that nothing had happened to it.

His vision in the eye was slightly blurry, but nothing seemed too out of place, at least nothing bad he could _see._ _Hah._

Shaking his head in a fruitless attempt to be rid of his headache, he pulled out his phone, _ he wasn't going to google his symptoms like a bloody idiot; google would probably tell him that he was going to have a stroke in the next few minutes and Virgil really didn't want to worry about anything like that. _

He searched up some _hopefully_ _reliable_ medical site, _apparently aspirin's good for headaches, then._

He rummaged around a bit in his upper cupboards, hoping he had the medicine stocked somewhere in the cabinets;  _ if not that, then some alternative that wouldn't kill him. _

After downing a pill, with an entire glass of water, Virgil sat down and contemplated the brief flashes he experienced in the moments of the piercing pain.

He pulled out a small notebook,  _ no better time to use this, right? _

Clenching his jaw and his eyes shut as he focused on the memories, he felt another painful sharp pain leak into his eyes as the shadowy silhouettes appeared in his mind again.

The voices that came from the silhouettes sounded... _oddly familiar._ _Is that...my parents?_

But that wasn't them, was it? His parents had disappeared just a few days after his 7th birthday, no note, no number, nothing. The only other thing that he remembered was the social worker looking pitifully in his direction as they talked to their boss; every other event up until he was around 2 or so years ago was blurry.

Quickly doodling some very vague sketch of the shadow-like silhouettes, _ 'I'm probably going to forget the next time he looked at it'  _ he thought idly, he added some question marks beside the drawing, in bright red ink.

Running a hand down his face, he contemplated what the memory–slash–flashback moment meant.

Pulling out his cheap 2008 phone, he quickly searched up ' _ What the hell does it mean when there's these shadow silhouette things that appear suddenly and give you a giant headache???' _

The closest result he could get was that the shadows symbolized something about souls,  _ to be honest, Virgil just stared blankly at the screen after picking out the first 2 or 3 words in the paragraph, but he got the gist of it, hopefully. _

So something about his soul then,  _ neat. _

_ What in the ever-loving hell does that mean, then? _

A few more frustrated and fruitless google searches later, Virgil carded a frustrated hand through his purple dyed hair.

He glanced out of the window, resisting the urge to sigh and the sight of the dark sky greeting him.

He sighed internally, he looked over at the sleeping form of Willow, who was curled up like a pretzel.

As he walked up his stairs, fully intending to face plant onto his bed and lie there for the rest of time, he set a reminder on his phone.

_ 'Dream.' _


	2. Believe them, and one day you'll wake up on your own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are revealed and Virgil is...NOT having a good time here lads-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO! :D  
> YEP IT'S AN UPDATE ON CHRISTMAS DAY CAUSE I'M REALLY BLOODY TERRIBLE AT UPLOAD SCHEDULES-  
> Sorry for the shorter chapter here-  
> The next one will hopefully be a wee bit longer cause of *Spoilers* so hope this'll do!  
> Hope you enjoy reading this! <3  
> Merry Christmas, and happy holidays! <3
> 
> *CHP TITLE IS FROM WHAM!'S EDGE OF HEAVEN!
> 
> I GOT A T-SHIRT OF THEM SO I'M JUST GOING 'A A A A A A A A A A A A A A !!!!!!'

Virgil woke up in a cold sweat, panting for air he gripped his chest like he was physically trying to stop it from shattering like porcelain if he let go.

  


He gripped his hair tightly in both hands, shaking his head like a dog ridding itself of water from it's fur.

  


What the  fuck was that?

  


He h adn't had that nightmare in... months.

  


* * *

  


A nearly pitch black room, save for the glowing orange light that shone past the empty door frame. 

  


Orange,  her favourite colour.

  


He'd taken a step back at the replica colour,  the one shade she almost always wore –  But a compulsion of both curiosity and trepidation suddenly hit him, his feet had moved instinctively without his consent.

  


Watching himself step towards the light, powerless to stop himself, he reached the door frame.

  


He had closed his eyes, hoping to god that this was just some  messed up  dream.  Some extremely twisted, nightmarish, excuse of a dream.

  


Every single one of his thoughts had stopped and faded away, his mouth had refused to move, his eyes were glued to the scene just a few feet away from him, like some twisted silent horror film.

  


It– was her.

  


And his younger self.

  


* * *

  


  


"Sweetie you need to go clean up your room." His mother had politely asked.

  


Younger Virgil had been stubborn, "Don't want to." He had pouted, with an added tongue stick-out. His mother had frowned slightly at that, but a soft smile soon replaced it.

  


"We could go and get those purple buttons you like so much from the store?" She'd coaxed.

  


Younger Virgil had paused,  those buttons? The expensive 50 cent pack of them?

  


He had immediately leaped up, excitement clearly shining in his eyes. His mother had laughed softly at that.

  


"We can go out after you clean your room, alright?" She enticed.

  


Virgil was sold, he'd immediately bolted up the stairs, intent on cleaning up as fast as possible.

  


He had heard his mother's chuckles as he sprinted up the stairs.

  


  


Virgil's lip trembled slightly, before it shook like an earthquake. A sound didn't escape his lips, however, as they were still glued shut, like cement had hardened them together.

  


He clenched his eyes tight, willing the tears to disappear, he ignored the stinging sensation it brought.

  


Please, please, I want out of here, now.

  


Please.

  


* * *

  


Running a hand through his hair harshly, he clenched his teeth together tightly, ignoring the harsh pain that came with it.

  


Trying to take his mind off the scene that had just occurred, he reached towards desk to grab his notebook. He pulled it over towards himself, tugging the fraying purple lace bookmark harder than necessary.

  


He flicked through the pages, looking for a blank one. He grabbed a blunt pencil and a half leaking red pen from his desk, before frantically sketching  something.

  


The image of the cube-like room was practically burned into his mind, so he had no problems with that reference. The memory of... her was burned into his head as well, so no problem with that as well.

  


He grabbed his phone, his finger hovering a number that he hadn't rang in a few years,  'Should i…?'

  


He threw the phone roughly onto his bed, growling in frustration as it bounced off it quickly,  he was not going to call that–that liar!

  


Cube room, flashbacks of his mother?

  


~~ What did it all mean? ~~

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all have a next week/holiday!  
> Thank you for reading <3  
> See yous in a week or two! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading this! :)


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